How EMDR Helps People Pleasers Heal Trauma
What is a “people pleaser”?
Is it just a person who is friendly?
Selfless?
Who aims to please others?
Doesn’t a civil society require that we give a damn about each other?
That we are kind?
That we try to give to others and not just ourselves?
Yup. Absolutely.
As humans who are wired for social connection as a means of survival, we often learn early to prioritize kindness, social harmony, and belonging as a way to further our individual and collective thriving. In short: getting kicked out of the group makes you vulnerable. So this natural desire to work collaboratively and be part of a community is completely normal.
That’s not the type of people pleaser that I’m referencing in this essay.
The word “people pleaser” first popped up in the 16th century, but gained popularity and traction as a psychological term in the 1970s, especially as social scientists began to better understand the impacts of trauma on human behavior.
In the 70s, we began to better understand that there are certain people who are almost chronically inclined to operate from a place of making other people happy (usually at personal expense to themselves) in order to feel a sense of safety and worthiness. This chronic and unexamined type of people pleasing comes not from of a collaborative posture but a desperate posture.
Let’s also consider, the unique way that people pleasing
can show up in women.
There are no hard-and-fast “rules” about the nature of men and women, however, we know that women tend to be better communicators, possess more emotional intelligence, and are more likely to favor the needs of the group over the individual. Within this context, also consider that, in 2026, while women are gaining positions of power and control at an incredible pace, men still tend to hold most positions of physical and financial power and control.
So what happens when the natural strengths of women (emotional intelligence and collaboration) combine with a sense of powerlessness in larger society (patriarchy and sexism)? You might encounter a woman who feels like her only option to obtain any influence in society is to be pleasing to everyone but herself.
She learns:
They like it when I’m sweet.
When I’m easy.
When I’m pleasant.
When I don’t have needs or opinions.
The more that I deny myself and give to others, the more they pat me on the back.
She may look high-functioning and beloved (by all!) on the outside while feeling exhausted, resentful, or disconnected on the inside.
Why People Pleasing Is Often a Trauma Response
People pleasing isn’t a personality flaw — it’s usually a pretty genius adaptation.
Many women learned early that being liked, helpful, or low-maintenance kept them safe, loved, or accepted. Over time, this can look like:
Saying “yes” when you mean “no”
Fear of disappointing others
Over-functioning in relationships
Over-giving to other people
Over-achieving as a way to hustle for a sense of worthiness
Being overly “helpful” so you don’t lose value in the eyes of others
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
Chronic guilt or anxiety
Losing touch with your own needs
Feeling burnt-out from all the sacrificing you do for others
Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not “fine”
Conflict avoidance
Passive-agression
Staying in relationships that are emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abusive
These patterns are especially common among high-achieving or socially conditioned women who have been rewarded for self-sacrifice.
From a nervous system perspective, people pleasing is often a fawn response — a survival strategy where connection is prioritized over authenticity.
Many women who identify as people pleasers don’t realize that their patterns often have roots in trauma — not always big, obvious trauma, but subtle experiences of needing to stay small, agreeable, or hyper-attuned to others to feel safe.
This is where EMDR therapy can be incredibly powerful.
In my work providing EMDR therapy for women in Colorado, I often see how healing trauma helps clients naturally develop stronger boundaries, more self-trust, and a deeper sense of authenticity.
How EMDR Therapy Works
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a research-supported, evidence-based trauma therapy that helps your brain reprocess distressing experiences so they no longer feel emotionally charged in the present.
Rather than only talking about patterns, EMDR works at the level where they were formed — in the nervous system and implicit memory.
During EMDR, we would:
Identify experiences that shaped your beliefs about yourself
Reprocess the emotional memory using bilateral stimulation
Install new, adaptive beliefs (like “My needs matter”)
Reduce triggers in present-day situations
This approach makes EMDR especially effective for high-functioning women who intellectually understand their patterns but still feel emotionally stuck. Learn more about my approach to EMDR therapy for trauma.
How EMDR Helps People Pleasers Specifically
1. Reduces the Fear Behind Saying “No”
Many women discover their anxiety around boundaries is tied to earlier experiences of rejection, conflict, or unpredictability.
EMDR helps your nervous system learn that asserting yourself is safe now.
2. Releases Core Beliefs Like “I’m Responsible for Everyone”
People pleasing is often driven by beliefs such as:
“I have to keep the peace”
“My needs are too much”
“I’m only valuable when I’m helpful”
EMDR helps shift these beliefs at a deep emotional level — not just cognitively.
3. Builds Self-Trust
As trauma resolves, many women notice they can feel their preferences, limits, and desires more clearly.
4. Increases Capacity for Authentic Relationships
Instead of relationships based on over-giving, women begin to experience more mutual, grounded connection.
Signs EMDR Might Be a Good Fit for You
You might benefit from EMDR therapy for trauma and people pleasing if:
You understand your patterns but can’t seem to change them
Boundaries feel scary or guilt-inducing
You feel responsible for others’ feelings
You’re burned out from being the strong one
You want deeper healing, not just coping skills
You’re ready to live more authentically
What Healing Often Looks Like
As EMDR progresses, women often report:
Feeling calmer in situations that used to trigger anxiety
Saying “no” without spiraling into guilt
More clarity about what they want
Less overthinking after interactions
A stronger sense of identity
More energy and emotional space
In other words, healing doesn’t make you less kind — it makes your kindness more purposeful. In this way you need up giving your kindness to people who have earned the right to receive it.
A Final Thought
People pleasing helped you survive in some way. Thank goodness! It makes sense that your nervous system developed this genius strategy.
But you don’t have to keep abandoning yourself to stay connected.
Say it with me now!
“I don’t have to abandon myself in order to stay connected!”
Trauma healing through EMDR can help you move from being who you learned you had to be to being who you actually are.
Looking for EMDR Therapy in Colorado?
If you’re a woman who is ready to:
Heal trauma
Set boundaries with more ease
Stop over-functioning
Feel more like yourself
EMDR therapy can be a powerful next step.
I’d be honored to be part of your healing journey.
Heather
